When Chicken Nuggets Ruled The Earth

(It’s my birthday today, so if I want to write stupid jokes about chicken nuggets, I will.)

I bought some chicken nuggets that “resembled” dinosaurs, but not like any that I’d ever seen before. So, I did some reading and learned about a few species that embarrassed the Mesozoic era.

The Patheticasaur


This creature had two purposes in life: to crawl and to die. Its nonfunctional legs were attached to a slug-like body, forcing it to inch its way across the Jurassic landscape until it was eaten or expired from starvation. The small spines on its back were haphazard, and almost cosmically cruel in their placement, and provided little protection from predators, who would find solace in attacking the other 99% of the Patheticasaur’s body.

The Sadtrodon


An unfortunate combination of wing and torso, this reptile fumbled through the skies. Aerodynamically designed to crash into any and all things within falling distance, the Sadtrodon’s most stunning feature was its head. The crest was a blocky attempt to attract potential mates, most certainly signifying to other Sadtrodons “Please do not sex me. Let’s end this species as soon as we can.” On the opposite end of the head was a snubbed beak, which would have made traditional hunting impossible. Instead the Sadtrodon relied on deceit to capture its prey. As it lay on the ground and feigned total paralysis, small animals would go near it while feeling a mix of curiosity and pity. The Sadtrodon would use this opportunity to raise its big fucking stupid head and crush the animal, making it easier to swallow with its dumbass worthless snout.

The Uselesstops


Ceratopsians often had a frill that helped to protect the neck area. The Uselesstops had one that started jutting out just behind that sensitive spot, meaning that carnivores had a marker for exactly where they needed to sink their teeth in order to bite the Uselesstops’ throat. Spectacularly unwieldy, it lumbered through the Cretaceous period until its extinction, leaving no remnant of dignity.

The Long Necked Thing


With a neck that started around its front knees, the Long Necked Thing is a favorite among paleontologists everywhere. Whenever a paleontologist becomes depressed over the lack of research funding they’ve received and considers quitting, all they need to do is think of the Long Necked Thing and everything doesn’t seem so bad. If a laugh could echo through pre-history, it would most certainly bounce off the side of the Long Necked Thing’s huge, improbable body. To this day, it is evolution’s most notable use of sarcasm.

Asshole Rex


Many carnivorous dinosaurs were built for speed and power. The Asshole Rex was built for neither, and instead remained a mockery of his genus. Other dinosaurs would hunt for their prey, but the Asshole Rex, realized that its short arms and awful legs weren’t good for chases of literally any duration. Thus, it would wait until the other tyrannosaurs had killed their prey before sliding next to them and bleating “Sure looks good! Is that Uselesstops? I’ve never had Uselesstops before. I wonder what it tastes like… Do you mind if I uhhhh, if I try some?” The other tyrannosaurs, too busy gorging themselves on their hard-won meal, wouldn’t notice Asshole Rex taking pieces. This would continue until one tyrannosaur did notice Asshole Rex stealing meat, after which it would alert the other tyrannosaurs to the theft, and aid in ripping Asshole Rex to shreds, while Asshole Rex shouted “Bro! Whoa! Bro!” until death.


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