I Will Eat My Shirt If I Get The Twist Of This Spider-Man Episode Wrong

I thought that, with a title like “The Night Of The Villains,” we’d get the first appearance of the Sinister Six, a group of Spider-Man’s enemies that formed when a few of them decided that twelve punches were better than two.

Hah, dreams of happiness. You stay away from the ‘60s Spider-Man cartoon. You don’t belong here.

PLOT:

Spider-Man responds to a distress signal sent out by a ship (a man on deck shouting “Help!”) and is quickly knocked out by a stick-wielding guy that looks like Blackbeard. And when I say “stick-wielding,” I mean that the fight ends when Blackbeard throws a stick at Spider-Man. To expect more from this show, at this point, would be some kind of treason.

Blackbeard

At Parafino’s Wax Museum, Blackbeard has a talk with a mysterious figure that speaks of Spider-Man with familiarity. I’m writing this paragraph before I’ve finished this episode, but I will eat the shirt that I’m wearing if it turns out to be someone other than Parafino returning to get his revenge. I swear that I will devour all of it if, for example, some guy reveals himself to be the Green Goblin all along.

Parafino sends a Jesse James “statue” out to commit more crimes, and Spider-Man faces off against him in a duel, which looks more like Jesse James attempting to step on the web slinger thanks to the show’s flighty handling of depth.

jesse james

Jesse James hides behind a car while Spider-Man is blamed for something by a single police officer. It’s a sad conclusion to Spider-Man having a duel in the middle of the street, which is the high point of both the episode and the entire series.

Parafino then orders the Executioner of Paris to take down Spider-Man, and after an intense sequence of shambling and French accents, Spider-Man discovers that his assailants are made of wax. He goes to Parafino’s Wax Museum, where he finds that the culprit behind it all is….

parafino 3

PARAFINO. SHIRT AVERTED. PARAFINO LOSES OR SOMETHING.

Tonight, I’m eating chili.

ANIMATION WOE:

I’d like to think that the lead animator told the guy working under him “Whoa, we’ve filled up our line quota with Jameson’s face. We’ve got no more lines left to make Peter Parker look like anything more than a ventriloquist doll’s face painted on an egg.”

AMAZING SPIDEY QUOTE:

The Executioner of Paris: “Weeeeeee. My tawents werw pewrfected befewww the guiwwotine. I neverw fail.”

I’m sure that the effect is lost when I write it out, but whoever voiced the Executioner decided that you achieved a French accent by just adding the letter W into words on a random basis. It gets the job done and then some.

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