It’s almost Black Friday, which means that consumerism will run rampant and that the joy of Christmas will be trampled to death. To combat this, I’ve decided to hold a Black Friday sale for my emotions. You won’t leave with an Xbox One or a new lawnmower, but you will take home a little piece of my wonderful soul.
I’ll be having a Buy-One, Get-One-Free sale on all complicated questions about my relationship with my extended family.
If you go to my website, you can get a coupon that entitles you to %20 off on all long conversations about how I still feel aimless after college.
For you bargain hunters out there, make sure that you take advantage of the What-Could’ve-Beens. I’ve marked them down to $9.99. That’s right. The “I guess we just wanted different things, Brittany…” that was once $17.99 is now going for $9.99!
Also, if you find any examples of an inability to cope with a constantly shifting emotional state that are priced lower than mine, I will MATCH THEM.
If you come in at 6 PM on Thanksgiving, you’ll be my crying shoulder. That’s a moment of infinite value, now absolutely free!
If you own an existing version of a sad letter that I wrote to you, explaining the worries that I had over our decreasing amount of communication, you can upgrade to a current model for just $100!
Make sure that you’re carrying a Rewards card, so that you can get 10% off on all explanations of my current spiritual beliefs.
Remember, we’ll be open twenty-four hours on Black Friday, so sign up for our membership bonus! You’ll get a text saying “Sometimes, I regret walking away like I did,” which means that the sale is really heating up!