It’s almost time for the Oscars, which means that it’s already time to be furious about the Oscars. But rather than get mad about other people’s taste in movies, I’ve decided to jumble my britches about the lack of good Oscar categories. Here are eight categories that the Academy needs if they really want to be taken seriously this time around.
Best Accents: Tom Hardy
I go to Tom Hardy movies solely for the hope that I might misunderstand something that he’s saying in them. A Tom Hardy movie without subtitles is like a hard shot without a chaser, and I like them better that way. In Legend, he spoke like he was simultaneously trying to tongue a popcorn kernel out of the back of his mouth, and in The Revenant he added, on average, two vowels to every single word. If I go into a Tom Hardy movie and I hear that every syllable is enunciated, I’m walking the fuck out. That’s not the Tom Hardy that I’m into. That’s a Tom Hardy that’s trying to follow the ruthless demands of someone else. I want my fair trade Tom Hardy.
Best Movie That Almost Turned The Theater Into The Royal Rumble: Creed
I don’t know how Creed managed to inject a shot of adrenaline into every audience member in the theater without anyone noticing, but I’ve never seen as much shadow boxing as I did when I made my way into the lobby. One mistimed punch, and that theater would’ve erupted into a flurry of clumsy jabs and dropped Mr. Pibbs. We barely escaped almost certain disaster. Every review of Creed should’ve logically read “Really great movie. Will write more when the swelling around my eye decreases.”
Best Stupid Helicopters: Spectre
I think Spectre had two helicopter scenes in it, but I’m not quite sure. For all I know, that movie took place entirely on a helicopter. That’s how done I was with helicopter scenes by the time Christoph Waltz got in one to…be in a helicopter, I guess. Honestly, I don’t remember a ton about Spectre at all, except that the plot wasn’t made up of sequences that built upon and connected to other sequences as much as it was created from scenes that we were supposed to think were meaningful. Spectre isn’t the most important James Bond film. But if any James Bond film was on the cusp of having Daniel Craig turn to the camera to say “This is important,” it would be Spectre.
The Daniel Tells Everyone He Meets That They Have To See This Award: Bone Tomahawk
Having to explain to everyone that Bone Tomahawk is like a Western until it reeaallllly isn’t should be exhausting. But like the men that are called to scream at college students about hell with ceaseless energy, I was enthused with an unremitting spirit to tell everyone that they should see Bone Tomahawk. If you called me to find out what time we were getting drinks later, I would drop a Bone Tomahawk suggestion in there. I’ve been secretly splicing shots from Bone Tomahawk into every movie that I watch with people. So if you saw Inside Out with me, and felt the weird urge to go see something that included at least one protracted scalping, I’m not sorry for anything.
Best Movie To Watch Some Of: The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Go get a sandwich. Head to the bathroom for a half hour. No, you don’t need to pause it. The Man From U.N.C.L.E. was entertaining, but I can’t imagine watching it without missing a decent chunk of it while I took a shower or something.
Best Descent Into Wilted, Unspeakable Grief: Fantastic Four/Entourage
Entourage is the greatest movie to ever underwhelm the guys that you haven’t talked to since high school. And Fantastic Four is some kind of karmic retribution for the unspoken time that Jack Kirby kidnapped and cannibalized a homeless man. Together, they nearly killed the global high five population, which was the exact opposite intent of Entourage. If you saw this movie and liked it, I can’t imagine you as even a concept of a human being. You’re just a tight black t-shirt with a mouth hole in the middle of it, blindly wandering through reality until you’re silently extinguished by a higher power.
Best Movie To Mistake For Another Movie: Self/less
Self/less, the movie about Ryan Reynolds switching brains with Ben Kingsley, is probably the plot of a dozen other movies that have come out in the last few years, all starring Ryan Reynolds and Ben Kingsley. I’d like to imagine that after every movie that isn’t Deadpool comes out, Ryan Reynolds wakes up, pouring sweat and breathing heavily. “I was in something with Vinnie Jones and Camilla Belle about a secret CIA project and a briefcase. It was awful,” he gasps to Blake Lively. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” Blake says, as she soothes him back to sleep. But she knows. A single tear falls. She knows.
Best “CLUSTER BOMBS!”: Chappie
At one point in Chappie, Hugh Jackman’s khaki-wearing gun bro yells “How ‘bout some cluster bombs?!?” while piloting a giant, killer robot. I never knew that a movie could give me exactly what I needed in the span of three seconds, but it was that. I’ll never need to see another movie again. I have been satisfied.