Chad Kroeger’s Erotic Chad Kroeger Fan Fiction

 

nickelbackNickelback’s 2005 hit introduced the world to a few concepts: Chad Kroeger driving and Chad Kroeger having sex while driving. These concepts clashed violently, and when the smoke cleared, “Animals” was all that was left.

Let’s dive in!

I, I’m driving black on black
Just got my license back
I got this feeling in my veins this train is coming off the track

Chad Kroeger immediately lets us know that he’s dangerous with some character details. He just got his license back, affirming him as a sexy, cool, rebel badass that all women want to sleep with and all men want to ride with. And now that the “train is coming off the track,” there’s no telling what he’ll do. Will he drink four Bud Lights and do donuts in the parking lot of an Alabama Waffle House? Will he buy a Fireball shot, remember that he has no money, and ask a girl to get this round while promising to “get her back?” Again, the train is coming off the track. It could be any one of these two outcomes.

I’ll ask polite if the devil needs a ride
Because the angel on my right ain’t hanging out with me tonight

Chad Kroeger reads the glittery 75 cent sticker that he bought on the way to the studio aloud.
I’m driving past your house while you were sneaking out
I got the car door opened up so you can jump in on the run
Your mom don’t know that you were missing
She’d be pissed if she could see the parts of you that I’ve been kissing

Why is she sneaking out? How old is this lady? If she was an adult, I doubt that her parents would have a problem with her going out with someone, unless Chad is just. That. Cool.

Dad: Stacy, I won’t allow you to see that boy!

Stacy: *wildly air guitaring to the tune of “How You Remind Me”* But, Daddy, I love him!

Dad: You can’t. He’s just too rad! And dangerous! And his goatee doesn’t look stupid at all. In fact, in looks better than mine! *Jumps off of roof to his death while “Rockstar” plays in the background*

Kroger ends it off with one of those sly little sex jokes that Nickelback likes to put in their songs, where they don’t say exactly what’s happening, but still want the audience to know that they’re totally aware of what sex is and are totally good at it.
Screamin’

Screamin’. Sure. Whatever.
[Chorus:]
No, ain’t never gonna quit
Ain’t nothing wrong with it
Just acting like we’re animals
No, no matter where we go
‘Cause everybody knows
We’re just a couple animals

Are you? I don’t know if “animals” is the right word to use. But there’s no succinct way to sum up “Middle-aged Nickelback Frontman Abducts Teenage Girl” in one word, so I guess it’ll have to do.

Apparently, everyone knows this too, no matter where they go.  I guess this is why Chad has to date girls that have been locked in their house by their parents. The other people in town have more sense.

 

So come on baby, get in
Just get in, just get in
Check out the trouble we’re in

“Jury Made Entirely Of Seventh Grade Boys Convicts Chad Kroeger Of Being Too Awesome.”
You’re beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wanna squeeze
It’s hard to steer when you’re breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on my gears

 

Here comes more of that sex stuff that Nickelback is so adept at. Chad Kroeger presents us with a tangled puzzle of limbs and genitalia, and forces us to solve it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I haven’t just gotten my license back enough times to enjoy this erotic pun cocktail. Maybe I need to drive my jeep into the side of an ABC store a few times. Then I might be able to really appreciate Chad and his gears.

By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth
‘Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch

When Chad is talking dirty to a girl, does he use this much wordplay? That would be exhausting. “Yeah, baby. Keep licking my shovel. I want you to hitch my backhoe up to my love tractor so that I can get all in your dig site.”

We were parked out by the tracks
We’re sitting in the back
And we just started getting busy
When she whispered “what was that?”
The wind, I think ’cause no one else knows where we are
And that was when she started screamin’
“That’s my dad outside the car!”

Good for you, Dad.
Oh please, the keys, they’re not in the ignition
Must have wound up on the floor while
We were switching our positions
I guess they knew that she was missing
As I tried to tell her dad it was her mouth that I was kissing

 

I get that this is a callback, but it was to a line that you said literally two minutes ago. There’s no joy to be found in making the “kissing body parts that aren’t a mouth lol” joke. Enough time hasn’t passed. You’re just repeating what you said earlier, but with a different parent.

Also, I know that it’s supposed to represent how hot the sex is, but I can’t fathom the position that Chad was in that knocked the keys out of the ignition. I’ll call it the “Roaming Kroger.” It’s when you and your boyfriend, Chad Kroeger, have such rough sex in his car that you lose all sense of reality, and the laws of mass and physics don’t apply anymore. And you finish when you both hate everything and each other. Or when he loses his keys. Whichever comes first.

For more Chad, click here!

Advertisements

3 responses to “Chad Kroeger’s Erotic Chad Kroeger Fan Fiction

  1. I always like to imagine the aftermath of that song-
    Dad: Honey, your mother and I are very disappointed in you.
    Daughter: Daddy, we werent doing anything too bad.
    Dad: No, you can do what you want. But the guy from Nickelback? Seriously?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s