I challenged my friends to tell me why I’m wrong about my impervious ideas. In this edition of You’re Wrong, Daniel, internet giggle specialist Justin Crockett stomps all over my prehistoric opinions.
The Allosaurus is the Willem Dafoe of dinosaurs. He’s sleeker than his bulkier cousins, and has a really defined skull. When I was in elementary school, they had two whole books dedicated to the Allosaurus. None of the other dinosaurs got two specific pieces of literature completely devoted to worshipping them. In the 1925 version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World, he literally attacks everything that moves. If it breathed during the Mesozoic era, the Allosaurus tried to eviscerate it. Now, I’m basing my opinion off of a film that portrays dinosaurs in a ridiculously antiquated light, and two books that I read during the phase of my life where I tried to eat leaves because I saw a horse do it, but the Allosaurus was dedicated to its cause. And I respect it for it.
Justin’s Counter-pick: Ankylosaurus
I’m sorry, it just seems like the Allosaurus gets off on starting shit. There’s something to be said for defending yourself when needed, but it’s something else entirely to just go around rousing all the rabble. Instead, I offer the Ankylosaurus. While unfortunately sounding like an autoimmune disease, this armored bastard was a walking SWAT vehicle. Covered in hard plates and possessing a clubbed tail, the Ankylosaurus looked and acted like one of Bowser’s sons that you had to murder in Super Mario 3. But despite being a fortress of dick punches, this guy just wanted to eat some plants. Take a lesson there, you plucky, instigating Allosaurus, maybe pour yourself a cognac and chill the fuck out for a minute.
The Styracosaurus didn’t have three flashy horns like the Triceratops. It didn’t need to show off, because what the Styracosaurus did, it did well. It had one massive horn on the end of its nose that might as well have had “Piss Off” written on it. You don’t mess with a Styracosaurus, and the Styracosaurus doesn’t mess with you. The Styracosaurus may not have gotten the promotion to the Mt. Rushmore of dinosaurs that the Triceratops received at the end of the Cretaceous period, but so what? The Styracosaurus had heart.
Justin’s Counter-pick: Stegosaurus
I’m not sold on the Styracosaurus. It sounds like they just smashed three dinosaur names together after all the cool ones were taken. If you can’t tell, I’m all about defense. When punches are raining down on you, or in this case, asshole dinosaur teeth, it takes spinal plates and spiky tails to really make a reptile take notice. The Stegosaurus was like the 2001 Ravens, minus one murderous middle linebacker. And yeah, I don’t want to hear about their brain being as small as a walnut, or the fact that they kinda just walked with their heads flopping around, or that their bite was slightly weaker than a human bite. Ok? You know why? SWINGING, SPIKY TAIL. Oh, and the fact that science says they likely used their back plates to attract some lady Stego’s. Yup. Like a back full of swollen boners.
This long-necked, unpronounceable dinosaur is the most underrated character in the history of BC. Like the last dinosaur, he got overshadowed by the simple Apatosaurus and the Jurassic Park-approved Brachiosaurus, but if you ever wanted to prove that you knew more about dinosaurs in the second grade than your classmates, Diplodocus (and Deinonychus to a lesser extent) were always there with the assist.
Also, there’s something about the Diplodocus’ length that defies evolution. Does it need to be that way? You know when you make a dinosaur out of play doh, four-year-olds, and you make the tail or the neck just a little too long? You know the abomination that you create every time that that happens? That’s the Diplodocus. There’s no need for it to be sixty feet of neck, but there it is, existing.
Justin’s Counter-pick: Spinosaurus
I know that the world-famous DJ Diplo chose his name because this was his favorite dinosaur as a child, but no amount of bass drops or glow bracelets can make me agree with this. So alright, you want something that’s pure offense? May I please introduce you to Spinosaurus and then run away into the woods. Spiny was the largest carnivorous dinosaur in ever. I guess I like dinosaurs with badass backs, because this guy had what resembles a 1978 punk mohawk shooting up from his middle parts. Also able to traverse both land and water, this goddamn Jeep of a dinosaur was thought to have regularly tangled with the mythical 40-foot prehistoric crocodile Sarcosuchus, a hypothesis that induces whole rooms of archaeologists into simultaneous furious masturbation.