You’ll Probably Believe What This Bear Has To Say About Gun Control

bear

When you’re a bipedal manbear that is obviously the result of years of painful genetic testing, your first political statement is going to be clumsy. Your first pun will likely be the same. It’s not your fault. Generations of scientists devoted their whole lives to rearranging the bones and organs and DNA of your ancestors with the hopes that, one day, they’d Moreau their way into the history books. They never expected you to find a home in the woods and become deeply involved in protecting the second amendment. They probably expected you to, I don’t know, goofily play basketball and show up on Ellen.

But unless you plan to stand there for the rest of your life, hikers and other passersby won’t get the joke. I don’t want to sound like I’m being nitpicky about the greatest biological achievement in the era of man. You are a wonder and a horror in equal measure. However, because the name of the animal is spelled the same as when it’s used as a verb, you have to be standing in plain sight right beside of it. Otherwise, people will walk by and just think Hm, odd place to share your beliefs about gun control. You have to be there, fully armed, for them to get what you’re going for.

Also, I have to assume that you’re the first of your kind, meaning that people may not get the pun for obvious holy-shit-that’s-a-bear-with-a-shotgun reasons. You seem like a decent manbear. You could just be ambling around your property. You’re a walking bear with the power to put together sentences and buy land. You should be really proud of all that you’ve accomplished. But there are people that will shriek and run away, because humans are taught from a very early age that bears are dangerous. They’’ll never get the chance to say “Oh, BEAR arms. That’s funny, you furry slap in the face of God.” And a bear that seems to enjoy bodybuilding, sleeveless shirts, and firearms might be a little much for them to handle at first.  I don’t want to sound mean, but it’s the truth. Try to understand.

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