Spider-Man, You Eat Lunch Like A Moron

In Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man, Peter Parker gets bitten by a radioactive spider, learns to harness his spider powers for good, and realizes that he’ll have to sacrifice the relationships that he has with non-spider people if he wants to continue being a hero. But before he does most of that, he has lunch.

Peter attends Midtown High School, and while most students have picked the foods that would look the best when comically dumped on someone, like corn and copious, copious pudding, Peter has a baffling little arrangement.


From the left:

Bowl of cubed fruit: This isn’t that bad, but it’s a bigger portion of fruit than I’ve ever seen any public school give a person. Usually, schools hand out fruit cups, and if they do pass out loose fruit, it’s in quantities that could barely fill a petri dish. So, Peter is going to waste half his appetite on the full can of pineapple that they seem to have given him. It’s not even a fruit medley. Peter came to lunch that day and was like “Hell yeah! It’s pound of pineapple day! My favorite! Sign me up for all of it!”

Metal knife: I think that might be illegal. Also, a big part of secondary school is tearing off the fork prongs to find new ways to flick food. I’m not claiming to have any kind of superior knowledge of the school system and students, but I would not trust thousands of insane fifteen-year-olds to all put their plastic trays and metal forks in the same place to be properly cleaned later. Unless you want to hire someone to go through the trash each day and pick out all the dropped silverware so that half of your school budget for the year doesn’t go towards buying new forks, switch to plastic, high schools of the Spider-Man universe.

Two milks: Your Uncle Ben, the sole source of income in your household, just lost his job, Peter. One milk next time.  Quit being selfish.

Grilled cheese sandwich: That looks nice. I can abide by that. Peter Parker is meant to be relatable, and the fact that he’s eating huge grilled cheese sandwiches is the prime example of this. Although, he’s getting all that cheese and TWO milks? You don’t need that much dairy, Spider-Man.

Fries: This is fine. Fries are ubiquitous.


Solitary Onion Ring: Ooooh, buddy. I know you’re about to learn the harsh lesson about great power coming with great responsibility, but this almost makes up for it.

Ketchup spilled everywhere: Peter, you idiot, move your grilled cheese! You’re gonna get ketchup all over it, and then it’s going to be gross. This is the most questionable thing about your whole arrangement, Peter. I hate to say this, but I’m way less invested in your story now that I know that you just pour ketchup in a fashion that might ruin perfectly good grilled cheeses. You callous ass.

Salad with orange thing and fringe dressing: Unlike the ketchup that Peter just tossed into his plate from across the cafeteria, this dressing is meticulously placed around the rim of the bowl. J. Jonah Jameson was right about you.

Metal fork: See metal knife.


Some brown, fried thing: This is probably Peter’s protein for the day, but knowing him, it’s likely two chicken strips that are half covered in mayonnaise. Or potato wedges that he rescued from a dumpster fire. He’s a menace.

2 responses to “Spider-Man, You Eat Lunch Like A Moron

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