This Is The Worst Horror Movie Shirt Of All Time

 

It’s October, so every business is scrambling to put out merchandise that is vaguely Halloween-related, and even less quality-related. This goes double for the sponsored horror movie fan pages that populate my Facebook feed like they’ve been fed after midnight. A picture of Pennywise from IT on top of the words “I’M A HORROR FAN. DEAL WITH IT!” Why not? I’m sure that, since it looks like it fits a human torso, someone could wear it. A blurry image of Leatherface, with the words “Don’t make me wear you?” on top of it? Fifteen-year-old Me’s everywhere are thrilled that their need for obnoxious clothing is finally being met.

But I think this one is the worst. Not just for one simple reason, but for a combination of reasons that are all swirling together and colliding headfirst with good taste and proper judgment.

shirt

Okay, so you have Michael Myers, and that’s the one part of the shirt that works. In black and white, Michael Myers looks even more haunting than he ever has in any of the films. But below it, we see Michael Myers’ car. You know, that indelible piece of slasher film history. What demographic are you trying to reach, t-shirt provider? Are there really people out there that don’t just want a shirt that display’s Michael Myers, but also Michael Myers’ ride? “I’d love to buy a Halloween shirt that truly displays my love for John Carpenter’s 1978 classic, but I can’t yet, because none adequately show off my undying affection for killer’s automobile. If only someone would make a regular Halloween shirt, and then stamp his damn station wagon right in the center of it. Then I’d be able to leave my house with pride.”

Also, it would sort of work if Michael was looming over an image of a small town, to symbolize how he’s menacing the place. But if you put him above an unassuming car, even if it’s not meant to do that, all it says to whoever looks at it is “Beware your one car, citizens. Because Michael is coming for your…one car.”

Below this Microsoft Paint collage is a quote from Halloween. But there are no quotation marks, and it’s not really a quote that the general public probably remembers, so all it’s doing is just yelling at bystanders who sees the shirt. There are too many messages being sent at once. 1. This shirt is about the movie Halloween. 2. Is that a car? What? 3. I’m a jerk for some reason. 4. Also, speed kills, apparently.

Then, they add the movie title too close to the quote, making it seem like it’s a part of the quote. My favorite part of the movie, by far, was when Dr. Loomis told Sheriff Brackett “Hey jerk. Speed kills,” and then yelled “HALLOWEEN!” in his face. Man, all this talk about it really makes me want to re-watch Halloween, the famous horror movie about a masked killer that drives around.

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One response to “This Is The Worst Horror Movie Shirt Of All Time

  1. This shirt has to go on sale here! This is a place where people line up in a parking lot to look at the fancy car that’s pulled up.. love your blog!

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